


all that i need is a sweet escape

by sugdensrobert



Category: Emmerdale
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Canon Compliant, Fluff, Hopeful Ending, Literal Sleeping Together, M/M, Supportive Aaron, basically set in the friendship era, but also super soft, ex sex but also very much not, sad at times, switching of time, they just love each other that's basically it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-02
Updated: 2018-02-02
Packaged: 2019-03-12 11:55:29
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,293
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13546815
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sugdensrobert/pseuds/sugdensrobert
Summary: Aaron shows up at Robert’s door rather a lot nowadays. he also stays over quite a lot. and Robert can’t seem to be completely selfless. he’s a mess but Aaron is still all kind smiles and soft touches.sometimes he wakes up with Aaron next to him, other times he’s already gone.the one where there’s ex-sex but mostly a lot of love between mates, who let’s be real will always be more than mates.





	all that i need is a sweet escape

**Author's Note:**

> this fic has been a massive rollercoaster! i never intended for it to be as long as it is, it all went a bit wild but here it is.  
> there's quite a lot of switching of time and tense in this fic so hopefully it's not too confusing. 
> 
> this fic can basically be set right after christmas, and there's no white crash.  
> title and a lot of inspiration for this fic is taken from need you know by Dean Lewis
> 
> (also if you're really here for ex sex, this fic is probably not for you, because it's implied, but it's a lot more about robert and aaron's feelings towards each other.) 
> 
> i hope you enjoy it :)

_They shouldn’t be doing this at all, they weren’t doing anything wrong, necessarily. Doesn’t mean it was right._

 

 

It’s Saturday, it cold in his room and that and the light shining through the blinds is what’s waking him up. He hears Vic downstairs cluttering around in the kitchen.

Suddenly he remembers and he shoots up in _his_ bed.

He’s at home, well at Vic’s but that is where he’s living right now isn’t it?, in her spare room, which is his room now.

His bed is relatively small but still big enough for two people, he touches the other side of the bed, it’s still warm.

 

His mind is playing tricks on him. Because? Because it’s just not possible.

 

He lays his head on the cushion next to him. He can recognise the scent anywhere.

 

_Aaron_

 

And yes he would like to be able to act more confused about it all but he remembers now, all of it.

It’s nine o’clock. Vic has probably been up for half an hour, she isn’t one for sleeping in.

That means- that means that Aaron has slipped out of Keeper’s an hour ago, two hours ago. Maybe even longer, maybe he only stayed for an hour _afterwards._

 

::

 

_“Aaron, please let me take you home or something.”_

_“Why”_

_“Because you are here just sitting, in the cold staring into space. Well at least go back inside the pub then. It’s freezing.”_

_“I am not going back in there! Everywhere I go people are on my case.”_

_“I am sorry-“_

_“I didn’t mean you actually.” Aaron cut him off_

_“What happened?”_

Because Robert had no idea what was up with Aaron, he lost that privilege months ago. All he knew was that Aaron was sitting at the bar one minute and storming out the next.

Robert had been sitting at the window, pint in hand, pretending to listen to whatever Doug was saying. Yes, that was his life now, having pints with _Doug._ What Robert _was_ doing, was looking out of the window keeping an eye on Aaron. He wasn’t crying, if he had been Robert would have been out there like a shot. So he did some more pretending, nodding at Doug every so often. When he finally finished his pint and had an excuse to leave he made his way over to Aaron. Couldn’t not.

_“You know how I broke up with Alex.”_

_Robert hadn’t known actually, he didn’t bother replying just waited for Aaron to continue._

_“It’s my life, my decision. But my whole family seem to think that they know what’s best for me. Alex was nice but not for me.”_

_Robert wanted to say something like; they mean well, they want you to be happy. But even he knew that it was getting out of hand. Liv Always going on about Alex, giving them looks when they were in the pub together, Robert had seen it; he’d seen everything._

_Chas always in their faces, bringing them pints they hadn’t asked for, giving them knowing smiles._

_“When?” was all Robert said._

_It took seconds before Aaron replied, not getting what Robert was referring to at first._

_“Oh, two days ago. But I mean I can’t go anywhere, at home there’s Liv, giving me evils and here’s my mum and paddy, and if I am lucky my grandma.”_

He probably shouldn’t have said it, but he did.

 

_“You can come to Keepers if you like, no family breathing down your neck there.” Could feel his heart almost stopping, because they used to be family._

_“Yeah I’d like that, thank you.”_

And that was that.

 

They had a few beers. Robert being very glad that his sister had decided to go out with some mates. Mentioned this to Aaron, while also talking about how weird it was to live with his sister again. Not because he wanted Aaron to feel sorry for him or drop hints, there weren’t any hints to be dropped. Robert made his decision at Christmas, so did Aaron. They were better of as mates.

Aaron talked about Liv, while also mentioning that basically they were in the same situation, living with their sisters.

Robert said how it wasn’t really the same.

None of them mentioning their thoughts about how everything could have been so different, if things were well, different.

 

He can’t even remember how it happened exactly, all he knows is that it did.

_Both of them laughing, reminiscing even. Aaron talking about Liv some more because Robert asked. He also asked about all his other family members._

_Aaron in return asking about Seb, and looking and sounding like he really wanted to know. Robert melting because Aaron had that caring and soft look on his face._

_Eventually Aaron moved over from the chair to sit next to Robert who had been sitting on the couch._

 

_Aaron kissed him, and he wasn’t strong enough, he didn’t have it in him. He responded and they kissed and kissed._

_After countless kisses; passionate but also soft and sweet, Aaron had taken his hand and dragged them both upstairs._

 

::

 

Which was where he was right now, however he was alone and Aaron had sneaked out.

 

 

 

They didn’t talk about it, it was almost as if it didn’t happen.

 

 

_Until about three weeks later when Robert woke up in his own bed, but this time with Aaron next to him._

::

Seb wasn’t his. Rebecca finally gave up digging her own grave. She didn’t want Robert near her son, who wasn’t even Robert’s. So what better time to finally give up the lie.

It was over within seconds. She invited herself to Keepers and sat him down. Robert didn’t believe her at first, Rebecca just wanted him out of Seb’s life right? But she had come prepared and showed him the paternity test.

Lots of screaming and shouting and then just..

 

_Silence._

 

He didn’t know whether people knew, maybe, maybe not he didn’t really care. After Vic had stopped her own screaming and shouting she coaxed Robert into leaving the house, maybe go for a drink?

He didn’t want to leave the house, face up to things. He even got some texts from Aaron asking him if he was ok. Vic will have told him.

He had imagined Aaron’s reaction, he couldn’t help it. It didn’t matter really, in the end he had still hurt Aaron in the worst way possible. He deserved this, this thought most prominent in his mind. He was left with nothing this was how it was supposed to be, Robert was sure of it.

 

 

Vic had left for the evening, going out to the pub; leaving her brother at home to do more of the same thing; staring into space watching whatever was on the telly at that moment while consuming quite a lot of alcohol. He really tried not to, knew things had ended so badly multiple times he had touched the stuff. But it was there, and everything else he ever had, just wasn’t.

 

He did hear the knock on the door, but didn’t bother replying the door was open anyway.

“I know you’re in there” came a soft voice, a soft and very familiar voice. Robert felt everything in him crumble, but only for a few seconds.

“Well the door’s open” he tried to keep his voice steady, unbothered. He heard footsteps coming closer, he had to resist closing his eyes, not wanting to see Aaron’s face, see his reaction to the mess he was and the mess he was in. He decided to keep staring at the television, his eyes were hurting.

He was expecting a sigh but nothing came. Instead he felt the couch dip, and Aaron’s weight and presence next to him.

 

“Robert- I am so sorry.” Because he had said it in his texts, he can’t remember how many he had sent, but he couldn’t really say anything else. After the night they had spent together he had to get his head straight, then everything with Seb came out and now- now he found himself sitting next to his ex-husband, wanting so badly to comfort him but not knowing how to do it exactly.

Robert was still staring at the television, a faraway look on his face.

 

::

_He stared at Aaron, trying to gather his thoughts._

 

::

 

He remembers ignoring Aaron, hardly looking at him. Feeling horrible because Aaron didn’t have to be there, but he was.

He remembers the lump in his throat, and the tears ready to fall down his face any minute. He knew if he tried to speak he might break down in front of Aaron, and none of that seemed fair to him considering the situation.

He remembers how Aaron started clearing up around him, taking some empty glasses into the kitchen, and easing the glass Robert was holding out of his hand. The tears in Aaron’s eyes while he was doing so.

He reached out to grab the remote which was somewhere next to Robert on the couch. The older man continuing to stare at the now just black screen. He could feel Aaron looking at him worriedly.

 

They knew each other well, and even though Robert wasn’t looking at him, he knew the younger man wanted to help him so badly, but didn’t know how to, that he felt out of his depth.

 

Robert didn’t think he was that drunk, or maybe he was just a different kind of drunk. Not the kind of drunk that had him making a fool of himself in the pub, or had him falling down the stairs. He just felt sad, numb and wasn’t sure what to do with himself; him and Aaron weren’t that different that moment in time.

 

“Let’s get you upstairs ey.”

Robert looked up at Aaron, shock evident on his face.  “What-t?” was all he could get out. Aaron was still looking at him, playing with his hands, Robert could tell he was still unsure, even though he had sounded more confident.

“You will feel better after some sleep, you look shattered. I-“ Aaron stopped, words failing him. He had never seen Robert like this. He had to stop everything in him to just hug him and tell him everything was going to be ok.

“Please.”

Robert finally managed to get himself to look at his ex-husband. He saw the worry on his face, and the unshed tears in his eyes. He wanted to tell him that he was fine, that he shouldn’t be here, he didn’t deserve to be dragged into this mess. But he didn’t.

He could hear it in Aaron’s “please”. He was reminded of how much he wanted to help Aaron during everything with Gordon, how he pushed him away. He knew how it was to feel utterly helpless, and therefore try to do every little thing possible that would give just the slightest bit of support.

He nodded and felt warmth spread through him as he saw Aaron giving him a sad, but real smile while nodding along with him. More tears seemed to have gathered in the younger man’s eyes.

 

He remembers how Aaron had held out his hand for him to take, and how he had pulled it back quickly, thinking better of it. Only not quick enough. It had surprised Robert himself, how even in his state he was quick to react and grab Aaron’s hand. Finally touching him and feeling so much safer already.

 

Walking the stairs, while still holding Aaron’s hand, Robert felt himself slightly snapping out of his mood already , just getting away from the sitting room had lifted his spirits. The fact he was with Aaron probably had something to do with it as well. Just maybe.

 

Aaron was still in front and pushed his bedroom door open. He untangled their hands, and pushed Robert gently towards his bed ordering him to sit down. The younger man worked quickly, getting some clothes out for Robert to sleep in. Robert was looking at him in amazement. Aaron seemed to know exactly which draw to open. Maybe he just guessed right.

 

Aaron handed him the clothes. Robert smiled up at him, thoroughly hoping that smile said everything he wanted to say.

_Thank you_

_Thank you for caring, still_

 

He started to feel guilty again at the fact he had hardly said two words, but Aaron was smiling back at him softly and it didn’t matter.

 

Aaron sat down next to him, thighs only inches apart. Robert couldn’t help himself and his head shot up to look at Aaron, who looked surprised because of his sudden movement until it seemed to dawn on him why Robert was so surprised.

 

“Do-do you want me to go?”

Robert didn’t know what any of this really was, if Aaron wasn’t going to leave now, when would he leave. What Robert did know was that no, he didn’t want him to leave.

“No, please, I-.” Robert looked at him panic probably evident on his face, he couldn’t face being alone just yet. Aaron just nodded like he understood, and gave the night clothes another look.

Robert disappeared into the bathroom.

 

The older man got a right shock when he looked into the mirror. He looked absolutely awful. Pale and looking like all the life had drained out of him. He quickly got into his pyjamas, and brushed his teeth. Lastly he washed his face, feeling a bit better.

Part of him didn’t want to get out of the bathroom, he was too scared that Aaron had left already, and if he was still there he would be leaving soon wouldn’t he?

 

He pushed his bedroom door open and felt his heart sink. Aaron’s wasn’t on the bed anymore. He was frozen on the spot for a second.

He flicked the big light off. Suddenly everything was too ugly. Aaron must have taken in his whole bedroom, he cringed looking at a plastic bag in the corner overflowing with some of Seb’s toys and clothes.

He heard Aaron’s voice in his head; _you will feel better after some sleep._ He forced himself to crawl into bed. He had just flicked on his little nightlamp when his bedroom door was suddenly opened. It gave him a fright and he heard his voice before he looked up at him.

 

“Hey, I’m sorry I didn’t mean to scare you, uh… I got you a glass of water. “ Robert was confused for a second he definitely hadn’t heard anything from downstairs but then again he had been so lost in his own head.

Aaron looked small and unsure of himself, hovering by the door and it made Robert want to scream.

“Thank you” he whispered softly, and Aaron took that as his cue to come closer and placed the glass on Robert’s bedside table.

 

“I best be going then, I-.” Aaron wanted to say more it just all came out slowly and hesitantly but it didn’t matter because before he could open his mouth again-

“Stay, please stay.”

Robert cursed himself, wish he could take it back but he had already said it now, croaky voice but audible enough because Aaron was now staring at him, clearly in shock.

 

They both knew that this wasn’t what best mates did. That this shouldn’t be happening. Even if it was just literal sleeping together.

But before Aaron could really think, and before Robert could apologize and try in any way to take his words back, Aaron’s shoes were already off and he slipped into bed next to Robert.

 

“Are you s-sure I am sorry-“

“Robert it’s fine honestly.” Aaron cut him off. “Just sleep ey.”

Robert wanted to say so much more, ask him again and again if this was what he really wanted, he wanted to apologize, and after all that he wanted to lend him something to wear but Aaron was looking at him so kindly that everything else faded away.

He turned around to turn off the bedside light and felt Aaron’s arm over his waist. His breath hitched and before he could stop himself he had grabbed Aaron’s hand as to show him that he was fine with it, that he wanted to fall asleep like this as well.

 

::

 

_Yeah, he remembers it all_

_Again they didn’t really talk about it._

::

 

They had woken up realising that during the night they had moved closer towards each other. Robert woke up first face to face to Aaron. He had to remind himself that this wasn’t real, well it was but not the way he wanted it to be. This shouldn’t have happened. He felt guilty, guilty that he had asked Aaron to stay, that he had dragged him into this mess.

The overwhelming panic that came over him suddenly woke him up completely and he sat up in bed. He wasn’t sure what to do, looking at the clock he saw that it was still early, but he couldn’t know for sure that Vic wasn’t downstairs. He didn’t want her to know that Aaron stayed over. He felt sick at himself for even imaging how he would usher Aaron out of the house without Vic seeing him as if he was some kind of dirty secret. He just couldn’t face Vic knowing the state he was in yesterday, or explaining to her why exactly Aaron stayed with him, and her reaction at Robert telling her that it was him who asked Aaron to stay as if he had any right really.

 

He needn’t have worried. While he was going over all it all in his head, the man next to had woken up.

Aaron couldn’t help but be concerned at seeing Robert sitting up like that with a faraway look in his eyes, very much like yesterday.

“Hey.” It was probably a weird thing to say, considering they had just woken up in the same bed together, when they very much weren’t together anymore, but Aaron didn’t care. He was glad that Robert sounded so much better than yesterday, and he was smiling at him, finally looking like he was back in the present.

“Hey.” He whispered back returning Robert’s smile. He sat up. Not having the faintest idea on how to go about all this Aaron made a decision.

“I best be going, hopefully I can sneak back in bed before Liv wakes up.” He tried to joke but had to resist a sad smile, hating how all of this was so secretive, neither of them mentioning it but thinking the same. He had texted Liv the night before telling her he wouldn’t be coming home, she just replied with a few suggestive smileys. He hoped Liv would fall for his lie about going home with a random somebody who he met in the club.

“Yeah, yeah of course.” Robert replied “do you want a brew, or what about breakfast, it’s early but-.”

“No really it’s fine” Aaron cut him off, he quickly got out of bed, Aaron stared at himself and saw Robert looking at him as well.

“Oh god sorry, I should have offered you something to wear, I am so sorry” Robert rambled.

“It’s fine” Aaron said again, “no harm done.” He opened the bedroom door, sticking his head out to hear if he heard anything from downstairs.

 _Another unspoken rule_ Robert thought to himself. Apparently Aaron didn’t want Vic to spot him either, which was logical he guessed.

“Well then I am off” Aaron said looking back at Robert. The older man feeling like a massive idiot, still sitting up in bed, he didn’t even want to think about what he must look like.

It almost felt like the days that Aaron would leave early for work and leaving his husband in bed, _almost_

“Aaron?”

“Yes?”

“Thank you.”

Aaron gave him a soft reassuring smile, “You’re welcome.”

 

The bedroom door closed, seconds later Robert heard the front door close. Sinking back into the bed he stared up at the ceiling.

 

 

It kind of became a thing.

 

This ‘thing’ also included not really talking about it at all.

 

Sometimes it was just sleeping next to each other, sometimes it was more. Sometimes Robert would wake up with Aaron next to him, other times the younger man had already taken off.

None of them wanted to mention that this was probably because they were lonely, that loneliness was the reason that Robert would open the door and find Aaron on his doorstep. Strangely this often happened whenever Vic was out, as if Aaron would wait until he saw her leave the house.

Until Robert received a text off Aaron with just a simple question mark in it. Robert didn’t know exactly what it was supposed to mean so he just replied with a simple _yeah._ Minutes later the younger man turned up at Keepers.

 

As much as Robert wished he was, he wasn’t selfless enough to put a stop to it. They weren’t good together. He always ended up hurting Aaron, after Christmas he finally felt strong enough to really let the younger man go and now they were doing _this._

And this is why he did the next best thing. It was never him that texted Aaron, it was never him sending Aaron a question mark as a way of letting him know that Vic wasn’t at home. It had to come from Aaron, it was the only right way.

Aaron had asked him about it; sounding almost offended. Robert had tried to explain his thought process about it, not very well mind, but Aaron had nodded understandingly then kissed the older man to get him to stop rambling.

 

::

 

_Robert was lying on his back Aaron hovering over him when the younger man pulled back slightly, suddenly thinking that this was perfect timing to bring the texting thing up._

_“Why do you never text me?”_

_“What- I”_

_“You’re the one living here.” The older man felt panicky, didn’t want Aaron to feel unwanted even in this messy situation. He sighed, not looking at Aaron he explained:_

_“It just makes sense to me, I don’t know, after all I did, I can’t-“_

_Suddenly Aaron was closer to him again, “it’s fine, it’s fine.” He kissed Robert softly on the lips, and moved so he was now fully on top of his ex-husband._

_::_

 

Aaron said “it’s fine” a lot now, they didn’t talk that much when they were together like this, just soft smiles and soft touches. When they went further it was a mix between being passionate and gentle. The former reminding them of the affair days and how after everything, it still didn’t work out for them. The latter reminding them off everything they lost, the domestic softness, endless pillow talk and busy days that they ended together, in each other’s arms.

 

They did talk about normal things, work and family when they had a drink together in the pub. During these times they really were just Aaron and Robert, best mates. Not letting on to anyone that there was a lot more going on.

 

Robert had no idea how long ‘this’ had been going on for now, he just knew that this was often the only thing getting him out of bed in the morning; the knowledge that Aaron might turn up to spend the night with him. If Victoria had any idea of what was going on, she never let on.

 

Both of them were very fully aware that none of this was helping matters. It stopped them from moving on. Just waiting for days to go by, waiting until they got to spend time together. Neither were strong enough to stop it just yet though.

 

 

 

Robert couldn’t help but envy his sister. After all that had happened with Adam she really picked herself up and was planning on going away for the weekend to some food fair.

_“I haven’t given up you know, I’d still like to have my own food place one day, or van whatever._

_Behave yourself while I am away, don’t trash the place please”_

 

Robert broke the unspoken rule before he could thnk about it too much.

_Victoria is away for the weekend._

No question mark or a _would you like to come over._ Just a statement, in his mind it made up for the fact that it was him texting Aaron.

 

Vic left late afternoon and around half past 10 Robert heard a knock on the door.

They mostly did _this_ on weekdays, this way Aaron knew when to sneak back before Liv left for school and Gerry woke up for work.

Aaron said something about making up another excuse about going out to a club, and that on Saturday night he would just pretend to go out with an old mate and staying over at his place.

 

 

All in all it was a very nice weekend.

 

 

No Aaron rushing out of the door at the crack of dawn.

Robert finally being able to put his cooking skills to good use again, bringing Aaron breakfast in bed, softly smiling at Aaron’s content face when he sips his tea, knowing that he still knows exactly how to make his (ex)husband the perfect brew.

Neither of them mentioning that this was exactly the way their weekends used to go when Aaron had to work on the Saturday. Leaving Robert alone for the day and the both of them looking forward to spending their evening and Sunday together.

Aaron obviously had to spend his day at the Mill and the pub showing his face before anyone got too suspicious.

Robert used his good mood to be productive, cleaning the whole house, a satisfied grin on his face the whole time and could anyone blame him?

 

 

_They could be a lot louder last night, no worries of Vic suddenly bursting back into the house._

 

After his cleaning spree he had a long think what to do about the evening meal. Aaron would come over earlier tonight so they were going to have dinner together. As much as Robert wanted to cook him something decent, cooking a meal maybe wasn’t appropriate seeing the circumstances, it seemed too much like the two of them having a date night, _like they used to_ _have._

 

In the end he decided that it was just a better plan overall to have a takeaway. Robert ordering them pizzas, picking their favourite toppings and sides.

Aaron had brought his copy of Rocky Balboa. Robert had wondered if Aaron had watched it with Alex that time on his birthday, resisted the urge to ask him, and just enjoyed Aaron’s face lighting up at his favourite parts.

The pizza and the film tricked them both, just for a little while,  into thinking that that what they were doing was normal, this was what mated did right?

 

What they did a bit later, after going upstairs to Robert’s room definitely wasn’t part of the normal best mates description.

 

 

_Yes it definitely was a good weekend._

 

 

Robert would be lying if he said he didn’t notice the lack of Aaron in his bed Monday morning. They never did this two nights in a row, so it was weird not having him next to him.

He woke up his arm stretched towards the side that was Aaron’s whenever he shared the bed. He would have been touching him if he was there. He felt disappointment flooding his whole body. His mind already going over his plans for the week thinking of when Aaron could come over again. It was still early and he slightly shifted over to ‘Aaron’s side’ breathing in his scent that was still on the pillow.

 

 

The best nights were the nights when Aaron showed up on the doorstep just because he could. Nothing bad had happened, no tears, no specific feelings of loneliness. Just Aaron smiling and Robert not being able to resist fully reflecting that smile first, before quickly gesturing the younger man to come in before anyone saw and questions would be asked the next day.

The mornings that followed were often even better, especially when both of them decided to just arrive late at work so they could sleep in, and have the house to themselves because Vic had already left for work.

Aaron was often awake before Robert, the older man slowly stirring awake while Aaron just started talking. This was something new. When they were together Aaron would never say a lot more than five words this early in the morning. But he did now. Sometimes they were cuddled up, Robert having his eyes closed but being very much awake while listening to him. Or they would just lie on their backs staring at the ceiling. The younger man would talk about Liv, the scrapyard, or whatever the Dingles were up to now.

They were the kind of conversations they would have when they had a drink in the pub. Robert very much preferred to have them here though, in his bedroom. Both of them soft and sleep warm, pretending that they were still RobertandAaron, still married and happy, living together.

 

He needed Aaron talking to him while he woke up even more on the mornings when he was terribly hungover.

After the nights that he had gone to the pub to drink away his sorrows, Aaron having to take him home, and staying if Vic was already in bed or still at the pub herself.

Or on the nights he was just drinking at home, Aaron hearing Vic behind the bar talking to anyone who would listen that her brother was at home drinking and moping around again.

He would make sure Robert got into bed without hurting himself, he made sure Robert drank some glasses of water especially if he was ‘upset drunk’, the kind of drunk where he kept apologizing to Aaron and tears were falling down his face.

The younger man’s heart always broke at seeing Robert like that, it was so far from the man he knew.

On those nights he couldn’t stop himself from running his hand through his ex-husband’s hair, calming him down, trying to settle him so he could get some sleep. He would always hope that Vic would be out the next morning so he could look after Robert a bit more, if not he would always leave a fresh glass of water and some painkillers on his bedside table.

When Vic was out Aaron would also bring the older man a coffee. He would crawl back into bed next to Robert talking about the past few days, keeping his ex-husband distracted and deliberately not mentioning the evening before. He knew that Robert felt guilty enough about Aaron having seen him like that _again._

The younger man’s heart fluttering as he saw that his steady stream of ramblings had Robert looking a bit more alive, a little small appearing on his face. Saw how he was less lost in his own head, less folded into himself because of the previous evening and his banging headache.

 

 

 

Robert’s head felt as if it was about to explode and everything sounded so much louder. There was someone messing about in the kitchen, Vic he assumed.

He had his eyes closed but was almost sure that there was someone in his room. He forced himself to open his eyes.

_Aaron_

The younger man hadn’t noticed that Robert was now awake and continued what very much looked like picking up rubbish from the floor.

 

Rubbish meaning empty cans and broken bottles.

 

He saw Aaron picking up some pieces of glass-

 _“Careful”_ his voice sounded hoarse, and he felt like an idiot straightaway, here he was telling Aaron to be careful while picking up glass because _he_ smashed some bottles last night. The memories now slowly flooding in.

“Hey.” Aaron turned around smiling at him, looking at his face intently as if to see what kind of state he was in this morning. Robert straightened up a bit, wincing slightly, not only his head but all of his bones ached so much this morning.

“I was about to leave” Aaron continued, now rummaging in a draw and getting out some painkillers. He quickly grabbed Robert’s glass from his bedside table and disappeared. Robert hated how it all seemed so familiar to Aaron. This needed to stop he decided.

Aaron was back in seconds, handing the painkillers and water to Robert.

“Thank you” Robert whispered his voice still not back to normal, he shifted his legs slightly. Aaron took the hint and sat down on the bed.

“Vic, she’s-“

“I know, downstairs” Aaron cut him off. “She knows.” Robert eyes went wide and his mouth opened but there was no sound.

“No, not everything” he said quickly I mean she knows I am here now, that I stayed tonight.” Aaron looked at him, a frown and a concerned look on his face. Robert couldn’t help but almost squirm under it.

 

“Do you remember what happened last night?”

“I can guess” Robert replied with a sad smile, half nodding to the empty bottles Aaron had picked up.

“Uh well yeah, uh, I came to see you. Aaron looked away from Robert’s gaze.

The older man sighed “sorry about that.”

Aaron looked confused “sorry for what?”

“I take it you didn’t come round to see me in an absolute state” the _again_ hanging in the air.

 

“Don’t be an idiot it’s fine, I wasn’t going to leave you was I” Robert looked at Aaron confusion still evident on his face. Aaron couldn’t help feel this worry flooding his body, Robert really didn’t remember much, if anything.

“You were already up here, sitting on the floor when I found you. I- I just put you to bed. You were out of it Robert.” His voice slightly breaking. “I went downstairs to clear up, I didn’t think you wanted Vic on your case and before I knew it she was home so I had to explain.”

Robert’s breathing quickened, “What did you tell her?” it came out snappy, he didn’t want it to but couldn’t help it and-

“I told her that I came round because I needed some paperwork for the scrapyard and well then I found you upset and drunk, so I was making you some food. It’s no secret that I still care about you, Rob, she didn’t really question it. I checked up on you a few times and helped Vic clear up the kitchen, we watched some stupid film. She suggested that I could stay on the sofa if I didn’t fancy going home anymore so I did.”

 

Robert was baffled, baffled that he was that out of it he didn’t notice Aaron and Vic downstairs, and didn’t notice that Aaron didn’t stay in his bed this time.

“And she doesn’t think it’s weird that you are still here, that you are with me now, she probably hears everything we’re saying right now.” He knew he sounded harsh, maybe he intended to. This needed to stop, Aaron needed to get as far away from him as possible, for his own good.

“No.” it sounded unconvinced, Aaron started playing with his hands.

“Great, so I have more explaining to do then”

“Oh fucking hell Robert come off it” the younger man’s voice got louder, he sounded frustrated. “After everything I don’t think Vic thinks too much of me looking after you, after the state I found you in. And I think you’ve got more explaining to do about all this” he gestured to the plastic bag on the floor that now contained the empty cans and bottles, “than me being here don’t you think.”

Aaron was right of course he was.

The younger man got off the bed and picked up the plastic bag. “Well that’s me off then, I’ve got to see if Liv got off to school alright this morning, seeing I wasn’t there” It came out pointedly, now it was Aaron being harsh, but it wasn’t any less than Robert deserved. He hated seeing the sad looking on Aaron’s face almost immediately after he said it. This guilt that Aaron shouldn’t be feeling over him at all.

“Bye then.” No thank you, no kind words. No, Robert was on a mission to push Aaron away. Because Aaron was right.

_This is us._

And that was the problem. Robert needed to make sure the _us_ was no more. and this was the way to do it. This is what they have always done, pushing each other away, no communication involved. Even when they weren’t even together.

Aaron was better without him. At Christmas he really thought he finally accepted it, that Aaron accepted it. They were just mates. But apparently they couldn’t be mates, so maybe it was time to get Aaron to hate him. It would hurt Aaron less in the end.

 

Aaron looked heartbroken and Robert had never hated himself as much as he did at that exact moment.

He heard Aaron and his sister talk, then heard the door slam shut.

He hid his whole body under the duvet, hoping that if Vic came up, she assumed he was sleeping.

Then he started crying into his hands.

 

 

He had to give Victoria something and in the end it was one of the best things he did.

 

::

_“Was it because I suggested to finally get Seb’s stuff out of the house?”_

_“No, yes- It was the right thing, it was just gathering dust but it was hard because I’ve been trying to forget and his stuff brought it up again. I should have gotten rid of it earlier.”_

_“And what about Aaron?”_

_“What about him?”_

_Vic gave him a ‘don’t give me that look’._

_“We’re just mates.”_

_“That have sleepovers all the time yeah right.”_

 

_“How-“_

_“Just had this feeling, some mornings you were so happy, and I heard Chas going on about how Aaron didn’t seem too upset about his break-up with Alex, how he was also sometimes so happy and light. Oh and you hardly ever go out, so how do you explain all those times I heard the front door early in the morning. You know I do notice some things!”_

_“Oh, you-you never said anything.”_

_“Neither did you.”_

_“It’s over now though, I’ll make sure of it, Aaron can’t- shoudn’t be around me anymore. I hurt him even now, dragging him into my mess.”_

_“But you make him happier Rob, and he makes you happier, I don’t see the problem.”_

_“The problem will always be us, we’re not good together, not meant to last.”_

_::_

It was clear to Vic that both boys loved each other so much, in no way this could be the end forever. However, she could see that neither of them were probably ready to start again. That’s why she tentatively tried to talk to her brother about a different topic.

 

::

 

_“Rob, I really think it would help, just try it, if it doesn’t work out you don’t have to go back.”_

_“I just can’t see myself talking about all my problems to a stranger Vic!”_

_“You don’t know that, please just try, it could help you so much.”_

 

::

It had been two weeks since that morning

Robert hadn’t seen much of Aaron lately, well not as much as they had gotten used to over the last couple of god knows how many weeks. He just saw him in passing, in the café, in the pub. When he did they gave each other a small nod, a soft smile.

Robert didn’t want Aaron to hate him anymore, he learnt that that wasn’t necessary. They could be mates if they wanted to. Fiona, his counselor had been a real help. Robert was glad he did go and see one in the end. They talked about Aaron of course they had. Fiona had shown him that if they both wanted it, they could make a go of things when they were both ready. She especially meant when Robert was ready.

The older man was getting better though, drinking a lot less. Letting Victoria and also Diane help him.

As well as Aaron, he talked with Fiona about so many other things; the Whites, Rebecca, Seb, and Jack.

 

Robert had asked Victoria if she had said anything to Aaron. Because he wasn’t ignoring him in the village; he got the smiles and the nods. But he hadn’t come round either. Maybe it was because he had guessed that Victoria knew, or figured that Robert told her.

 

_“I haven’t told him anything Rob, I promise. But don’t forget he knows ya, he probably guessed something’s up and you have other things going on.”_

_“Like counselling you mean.”_

_“No-yes, but not only that, just sorting your head out.”_

So it had been two weeks. Two of the best weeks Robert had had in a long time, even if he had woken up alone every day.

Vic had a shift at the pub, and Robert had just hung up the phone, a smile on his face. He was back in the swing of things, got a good deal done, and Nicola was over the moon.

There was a knock on the door. Robert felt every thing in him weaken, he _recognised_ the knock.

 

_No. This can’t happen._

“hey, how- how are you?” It was Aaron who spoke first, staring right back at Robert, the older man just looking at Aaron not sure what to say.

“I’m fine, uhh sorry come in.”

Aaron headed straight to the sofa and sat down. Robert had followed him into the living room but was now awkwardly hovering around the sofa.

“You look nervous, I-I don’t want you to be nervous because of me.” Robert cursed himself.

“I am not nervous because of you I-“ _I love you._ He sat down next to Aaron, trying to avoid his gaze. The truth was he was nervous, Aaron was here to tell him to leave him alone forever wasn’t he? Aaron hated him, despite his little smiles and nods.

“How are you?” Aaron asked again, obviously hoping for a better answer this time. “You look better.” Aaron was smiling at him, kind eyes looking him over. Robert felt the panic of Aaron hating him fading slightly instead he smiled, because he did feel better.

“Thank you, I, I am good.” He said it with a newfound confidence in his voice and hoped that Aaron knew he was telling the truth. “I am seeing a counselor, I really am doing better.”

 

Aaron looked so happy, so proud and tears were gathering in his eyes.

 

“I am so glad.” It sounded so sincere and honest and Robert’s heart did something funny.

Then there was a silence for a couple of minutes.

 

Robert took a big breath and braced himself for what he was about to say when-

“It was like an escape.” Aaron wasn’t looking at Robert anymore, instead he was staring at the floor.

“What?” Robert’s voice sounded shaky.

“From life without you. When we were together we were both pretending to still be in a relationship, right? We were both lonely.” Aaron sounded so mature, so knowledgeable.

“You make it sound so-“

“Wrong? No it wasn’t, well not really but for us it was at that point in time. It kept us from moving on. And I am sorry.”

“No, no don’t say sorry, why are you sorry I should’ve-“

“I shouldn’t have turned up at your doorstep all those times.”

“I shouldn’t have let you in.” Endless conversations with Fiona had taught Robert that he wasn’t always to blame for everything, so he accepted Aaron’s apology, accepted that both of them were part of this.

 

“Yeah, ok...  So this is it.” Robert continued. It sounded like a question and a statement at the same time. It was what he had been about to say. Everything Aaron had said was true and it made sense but it didn’t change anything.

 

_Aaron looked heartbroken._

 

“Do you want it to be?.” For a second Robert was stunned. Because no he didn’t, not really but it was for the best, he had decided that at Christmas for god’s sake, he was so tired of having to listen to both his heart and his head and never being sure what the right decision was.

“Because I don’t” Aaron continued, tears now streaming down his face. “I know everything is a mess right now, and I know what I said in the hospital, about it never being you again but I don’t want it not to be you ever again. These last couple of month made me realise how much I miss you, that despite everything we were good and we can be again.”

“How do you know Aaron?” Robert’s voice was getting louder, this couldn’t be happening, both his heart and head were telling him to run. He couldn’t cope with this.

“Because I’ve never been as happy as I was when I was with you, and I know lots of stuff has happened, messed up stuff. But after everything I don’t want to live my life without you. I told myself I deserve to be happy and that’s with you.

I want everything again, our _love._ No sneaking about, I don’t want to go to you because I am _lonely_. I just want to be with you at all times."

 

“You deserve be-“

“You are good enough Robert I promise. And I know I haven’t always made that clear and I am so so sorry but please believe me that you are. But only if you still want me, I know you’ve been through a lot, and I’ve seen how hard our break-up was for you-.”

 

Aaron suddenly stopped talking- because Robert’s shoulders were shaking and soft little sobs were escaping him.

“Shit Robert, I am sorry- I didn’t mean to upset you, I’m-“ he touched Robert’s shoulder tentatively, making sure the older man was ok with being touched. He then moved him to his chest.

“Shh it’s okay, please don’t cry.” Which sounded kind of stupid because Aaron himself had tears streaming down his face even more now. Seeing Robert cry was devastating, because it was so unlike him.

 

Robert couldn’t believe he was here in the arms of the man he loved so much and crying his heart out. He hadn’t said a word yet, his sobs now slowly subsiding. He couldn’t stop from breaking down once Aaron came out with all those things that he needed to hear so badly, it all became too much.

 

He knew what he was going to say now. He had spoken about it with Fiona enough times.

 

::

 

_“Robert, tell me what you would do If Aaron told you that he wanted to be with you again, like right this moment.”_

_A sarcastic laugh, “that’s never going to happen.”_

_“Well you don’t know, you need to give it time. And whatever happens you need to give yourself time, it’s so important.“_

 

::

“This is all I ever wanted, ever since it all went _so wrong._ I never want to lose this again” Robert whispered clutched Aaron’s arms tightly, breathing him in.

“But- but I am not ready yet. Not for us to be in a proper relationship. I want to be better for myself and for you, I still need some time.” The older man didn’t look up yet, not wanting to see Aaron’s face, he wasn’t ready for another rejection, he felt himself break a little just at the thought of Aaron not wanting to wait after all this time and-

 

_He felt strong arms holding him up a bit_

_A kiss on the top of his head_

_And then a soft voice_

 

“Hey, it’s alright, look at me.” Robert looked straight into those kind eyes

“You remember when you said you’d wait for me?”

Robert nodded, didn’t feel strong enough to speak.

“Well, now I am going to wait as long as you need me to, and I will be here for you whatever you want, whatever you need ok? I am so so proud of you.

You let me know yeah? You come and find me when you’re ready for us to be together again properly.

For now I’ll just stay here with you, if you want me to?”

 

Robert nodded quickly, not intending to let go of Aaron any time soon.

The younger man was now moving to give him one of his famous bone-crushing hugs.

Robert was so overwhelmed he couldn’t stop himself from crying some more. Aaron pulled away and gave him reassuring kisses.

On his forehead, on his nose and on his _lips._ Then he brought Robert back to his chest.

 

They stayed like that for what felt like a lifetime.

“Does Vic know?” Because it might not have been a lifetime but they had been here a while and there had been no sign of his sister.

“Uh- yeah I did ask if she could maybe stay away for a bit.” Aaron suddenly looked worried “do you want me to call her for you I can-“

“No please it’s alright.” He added shyly “you being here is more than enough.”

 

They stayed like that for a while longer.

And then Aaron was standing up making him a brew, and finding them something not to crappy to watch on the telly.

 

All Robert could think about was how lucky he was that he got to have this and how it was only going to get better.

Both of them happier and healthier.

Being able to give each other the love, they were both so full off.

 

 

 

_And finally being able to be best friends, husbands and soulmates all in one._

 

**Author's Note:**

> thank you so much for reading! in the end it got a lot soppier than i intented it to be!  
> i hope you enjoyed it!  
> feel free to leave a comment
> 
> come say hello on tumblr: sugdenssrobert  
> <3


End file.
